MIXED SIGNALS

Making Sense of Things That Don’t Add Up
By
Richard B. Joelson, DSW

Emily was excited after her blind date with Walt. More than any man she had met in years, he was charming, funny, successful, and seemed as taken with her as she was with him. They had much in common and both indicated their pleasure in finally meeting someone with whom they wished to spend more than twenty minutes. After a polite first kiss in the lobby of her apartment building, he promised to call within a few days to arrange their next date. That was the last Emily ever heard from Walt.

Bruce had a similar experience. Following a spirited and flirtatious chance encounter with Melissa on the plane ride home from a business trip, he called to arrange the dinner date they had discussed having the next week. Bruce called as planned. Six days and four unreturned phone calls later, he gave up, feeling defeated and confused by Melissa’s unresponsiveness.

Both Emily and Bruce attempted to do what most of us do when life hands us mysteries like the ones described above. They tried to make sense of something that made no sense to them at all. Their attempts to solve the mystery of their disappointing romantic experiences revealed a great deal about them. Emily, a successful business entrepreneur with a solid sense of herself, is a positive thinker, an optimist by nature, and someone who reasons things out in a thoughtful and rational manner. She reacted to Walt’s behavior with a mixture of bewilderment and distain for his failure to follow through as promised. She felt that it was “his loss,” that perhaps he was-for reasons unclear-afraid to pursue a romantic partnership with her, had problems with intimacy, or simply was not mature enough to handle himself any better than he did.

Bruce’s effort to make sense of his mystery was characterized by his feelings of inadequacy, his tendency to be self-critical, and his unfortunate belief that he was a less than appealing romantic partner, especially to women to whom he felt an attraction. Unlike Emily, Bruce was devastated by the way in which he was treated by Melissa, feeling deeply wounded by her rejection.

The guidelines that emerge from these stories are as follows: Accept that some things cannot be explained, especially since we cannot read the minds of others. Beware a tendency to fill in the blanks by referencing yourself, especially negatively. Finally, accept the fact that disappointment and rejection happen to everyone, not just to you.

Richard B. Joelson, DSW is a psychotherapist in Manhattan and a contributing writer to New York Resident. He can be reached at 212.369.1239.