Recently, I had a telephone interaction with a client, which illustrated a common behavior that can often create difficulties for the individual and those with whom he or she interacts. The client I refer to is Cathy, the wife in a couple I see for marital therapy. Her husband, Dave, told us that it is difficult for him to understand Cathy’s needs because she seems so unclear when she communicates them. In addition, often, rather than stating her desires clearly and directly, she leaves it up to him to figure out what she needs or assumes that somehow he will understand her needs without her making them evident.

Many people who see me in order to explore the possibility of doing ongoing psychotherapeutic work together, are seeing a psychotherapist for the first time and have little or no understanding about how therapy works, what exactly it is they might expect from the experience, and how to actually get involved in the process. Others, have been in therapy before, perhaps many times before, and are, therefore, (as one client described it) "therapy veterans." Some "veterans" are seeking help again because of some new development in their lives that warrants additional treatment; or, perhaps because previous therapeutic ventures, while helpful, did not feel sufficiently completed and they hope to find help with a new clinician.

Rebecca, a new client in my psychotherapy practice, was a recent arrival to New York thanks to a company transfer. She was eager to begin dating and so indicated an intention to join several internet dating services to "get the ball rolling" on her social and romantic life in her new city. She also vowed to join two organizations as additional ways of meeting new people...especially men. After several sessions, I noticed that Rebecca had done nothing along these lines, despite her declared eagerness to do everything she said she would and more.

One of the unfortunate ways many people have of addressing a negative situation is to identify the person allegedly responsible for the situation so that blame can be assigned. I find this to be a most unfortunate impulse, since so many life situations that occur do not require, nor do they benefit from, the identification of a culprit who then can be treated as one by a blame-focused individual.